Did anyone catch the Shipping Forecast?

Bewildered Archers listeners comment on the warm but incomprehensible tones of continuity announcer Neil Nunes.   Neil has been a controversial member of the Radio 4 team since 2006.  The Archers has been continuously broadcast since 1951, and posters on its BBC discussion boards are amongst the wittiest, most ascerbic and learned forum contributors on the internet.

·         Nunes is sounding increasingly breathless during his extraordinary introductions. I think he may have to climb a few flights of stairs to reach his mic.

·         Nunes is sounding increasingly like a bad comic creation from a past era of humour. His intonation is actually getting worse over time. It seems his tic of putting the stress on the wrong word and pausing in the middle of words has become the normal rather than an occasional flaw. Last night's intro to the 6.30 comedy was most perplexing.

·         Because of Nunes I had to buy a sea areas tea towel to go with the shipping forecast

·         I don't mind the aspirants, which are simply an accent thing; it's the stumbling over words, bizarre pauses, mispronunciations and inappropriate stresses which get me. I think Nunes must have gone to the same voice coach as Robert Peston.
'Ö'  

·         Nunes was doing the shi-hipping br-hoadcast the h-other ni-hight. H-it ta-hakes him tw-hice has l-hong has hanyohne helse.
Mainly because h-of th-he hin-crea-hising haspir-hations. I give you Sh-het-la-hand.

·         Are you sure that hhaspirhations are part of the Carib haccent?
I didn't notice it when I was in Jamaica and my son-in-law do-hosent sp-heak like that.
I took them to be part of his pro-hoblem.

·         That must be it - or the elocution establishment that churns out weather presenters.

She-het la-hand is quite an accomplishment. Are you sure it wasn't She-het la-hand-a, though?

·         Must be the Michael Foot School of Incorrect Emphasis

·         I wasn't sure which of the announcers Mr Nunes is, but I have worked it out from your descriptions - wonderful!
When I hear him do the shipping forecast it sounds like a growly bear has eaten the real presenter and grabbed the microphone and is just about to scoff that, too. The way he says 'squally showers' (squaarlie shuuuuzzzzz) is brilliant!

·         Being on board ship tuning in when Nunes is at the mic can be no bluddy fun at all.

·         I think of fearful faces under sou'westers turning back to port. I heart it when he does the shipping forecast. Makes me feel very safe all tucked up and with my illustrated book of chorus girls

·         Fearful faeces just about sums it up

• Nunes ritually butchers the bluddy shipping forecast. I am constantly amazed that there has not been a sand bank named after him for the number of ships run aground because of his truly appalling renditions.
• Ah, the mystery of HMS Astute is revealed in all its Nunsian glory.
  If that doesn't get him the sack nothing will.
• I suppose the Sound of Nunes could separate Skye from the mainland and myself from reason

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/mbarchers/

Five Statements Fraudsters Always Make Under Questioning

 “It never happened!”

The investigator will usually begin the discussion by describing a criminal incident which has been troubling him.    The subject’s default position will always be that the incident, whatever it might have been, is entirely untrue.   

That money never went to/from that bank account;  the victim was mistaken in her assertion that someone had visited her home in the middle of the night and demanded she sign certain papers;  the documents in question never existed; no-one had ever stabbed anyone with a hypodermic syringe.   

There will be much head-shaking and arm-folding at the sheer preposterousness of it all.

Are you safe to be let out? - your chances of becoming a victim

If you view yourself  as tough, confident and a bit useful in an argument, check the  mirror, and you might find you've got the word 'victim' written across your forehead in dayglo marker pen.

But maybe you’re easily sunburned, a bit of a couch potato, elderly or don’t see your friends as often as you like?

Then as well as inheriting the Earth, you’re much more likely to live your life unmolested by burglars, pickpockets and assassins.

Yes, the more vulnerable you think you are, the less likely you are to end up as a crime statistic.

Filthy Water Cannot be Washed

A sleepy staff member, wearing the most welcoming smile she could manage, let Karl and his social worker into the hall. The adults exchanged whispered greetings, and Karl was led into a vast and striplit kitchen where he was given milk and biscuits. Files were handed over in the next room. The social worker’s face appeared in the kitchen doorway, wishing Karl a cheerful but noiseless goodnight. The house mother quickly reappeared with stiff pyjamas which smelled of boiling water, and together she and Karl crept upstairs.

Insurance Scams for Beginners- (i) My Little Hospital

The Prestige Hospital, Victoria Island, Lagos

Congratulations on choosing a risk-free, victimless route to earn fast money.



Inventing Your very own hospital is a foolproof way to profit from insurance companies. By following these four simple stages, you ‘ll become rich in just a few short steps


1. find a friend with private medical insurance


2. send him/her a bill from your made-up hospital


3. wait for the money to arrive from the insurer, and share it with your friend


4. repeat steps 1-3 as necessary

.
Along the way, look forward to gathering important contacts and admirers Some of the executives you’ll impress are loss adjusters, investigators and claims assessors. And all you need to do is pay attention to the advice. Here’s how to prepare

What to wear for an assignation - get set to impress, mystify and seduce your opponent

When you make that entrance, you need to feel that your look is perfect. Then, your confidence will be maximised and you'll have a great time. Here are your ego-boosting essentials


• Decide on an underlying theme for your meeting . A bit of romantic camouflage can do wonders for your confidence and puzzle your opponent into submission . The possibilities are endless: off-duty bodyguard, posh goth, Scandinavian Amelie, rock vegetable. Combine any adjective and noun of your choice. However ...


• ....Avoid fancy dress. Once you’ve decided on a theme for the encounter don’t go over the top. It is best to suggest the idea of a pirate wench with a compass brooch on your semi-military jacket, rather than flaunting a selection of pistols, cutlasses, parrots, etc.

Everyone needs a fantasy family

Let me tell you about my Uncle Min.



Hardly anyone in Cambridge knew we weren’t actually related to each other. We’d introduced each other as ‘my uncle’, and ‘my niece’ so often that to us, the relationship quickly became indisputable. We wholeheartedly believed it ourselves. People were often surprised, and questioned us.


“But you look so different?”


“You’re so close together in age?”


“Why don’t you talk like each other?”

Book and DVD reviews- Praxis ("Honest Accountant") reviews intriguing titles at Amazon

People might find out something about you from the sort of things you read/watch.   Click the links below to find out what Praxis thinks of these efforts to entertain her.

Puffball, by Fay Weldon    -   This book blends suspense, witchcraft and insight into what makes us human - psychologically and biologically

The Long Good Friday, starring Bob Hoskins and Helen Mirren - the best of BritCrime

The Interceptor, by Cameron Addicott - a true story and a must-read for anyone interested in sneaky stuff

Guy de Maupassant short stories - the best and worst of human nature

In a Strange Room, by Damon Galmut-  am I the only person in Britain who hates this Booker shortlisted novel?


If you've never read Praxis, by Fay Weldon, here's what to expect: 




Praxis Duveen is both feminist heroine and Very Bad Example. Her occasional triumphs over her tormentors are brutal, and in later life, it's clear that she is proud to be the product of her experiences.


From the very first page, you'll be shocked by what happens to Praxis. You'll also be dangerously inspired by how she overcomes her difficulties.